I can't lie.

No, really, I can't. I try, but I have this stupid nervous laugh that I have when I do that completely gives me away. I hate it. If I don't laugh, I smile. Even if I know I'm telling the truth but still leaving something out, this enormous grin comes over my face and tells whomever I'm talking to that I'm a complete asshole.

But it's worse than that. When I hear something I don't believe, my eyebrow raises. When I'm being told something that I don't remotely think could be true, I squint and look at the person talking to me like they're a blithering idiot. When I'm faced with something I'm not sure about, I take a moment to consider it, and it's completely visual: my face takes on an expression of curiosity, my eyes go to the side, and I'm otherwise silent until I've figured it out.

Some people wear their emotions on their sleeve; I wear mine on my face. Everything I feel is fully expressed through my eyes, my eyebrows, and even my mouth. When my boss feeds me a load of bullshit, I can't pretend to believe him (though I try). When my boyfriend tells me he loves me, I can't suppress a smile of joy...or disbelief. Sometimes I feel like River from Firefly; they say because of her brain surgeries via the blue-hand men, she can't not feel things. I can't hide things. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm angry, I lose the power of speech completely. I'm not sure if it's because I have so many things to say that they all cram into my brain and get jumbled, or if something tells me not to say any of them, so I don't.

I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose that it's good that I'm an honest person, but it means I can't play the game. I can't pretend to buy in to the corporate crap that management dishes out, I can't tell someone they look great when they don't, I can't be a playa (though I don't think I have the energy for that anyway). I compensate by giving compliments about random things; I like your shirt! What pretty earrings! Have you lost weight?

Thank goodness this is just a blog. But I must say, you're looking brilliant today. Have you gotten your hair cut?